the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
apparently the secret to your success is patron
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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