We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
it's great music for shaving your balls
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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