She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
