Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
