I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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