You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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