You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
