I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
