Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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