I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
