were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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