STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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