I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
