anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
