Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
