I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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