"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
