You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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