my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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