tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
