I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
