as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
