Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
