Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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