so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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