Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
