i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
