apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Randomize
