All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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