Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
