I cannot find my penis.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You took a bar mat shot.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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