Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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