well I can't set my house on fire every night
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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