my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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