so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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