i love accidental penises.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
