I just saw a hot homeless man
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
