I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
