I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
