do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
