Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
