my phone needs a breathalizer
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
