Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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