Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
