So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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