Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
