I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If I die, sorry about rent.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
