the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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