Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
