Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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