Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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